Resume

Taking a note from a recent comment on one of my articles, I have decided to post my resume for all employers to see.

Skubert Barleysworth

I live down there by Jeffy and Hucker

(I don't have no phone)

Skubert@internet.online

OBJECTIVE

I want a job and I am good at everything. I am reliable and a fast learner, though I do enjoy my alcoholic beverages and pretty much see all social interaction as an invitation for a fight. I will work for anyone in any position.

WORK EXPERIENCE

(Because there are so many entries here, I will only include some recent ones.)

Dutch Clogs tester (January 8, 2009 - January 11, 2009)

I was hired to dance in a local clog shop with every new model of clogs that old man Fleurben would make. I danced in the window and had to avoid sweating on everything.

Key Accomplishments

• Attracted a crowd of 28 people on my first day, though nobody came in the store
• Broke 14 pairs of clogs due to my intense dancing
• Learned that I wasn't hired to clog the guy's toilet, which is why I applied

Tenor screamer in the haunted house (October 28, 2008 - October 31, 2008)

I was hired to be one of the guys screaming in the haunted house during Halloween.

Key Accomplishments

• Screamed
• Watched some kid pee himself as a direct result of my screaming
• Chased a child into the spider room

Laundry cleanliness tester (September 12, 2008 - September 12, 2008)

I was hired to check how clean the dry cleaners got their clothes by smelling them. I only worked one day because I showed up kind of drunk and threw up on some of the clothes, then I wore someone's pants home, as I showed up without pants, too.

Key Accomplishments

• Smelled over 30 pairs of socks

EDUCATION

May 1994, Graduated 3rd grade

• Tallest graduate
• Best drawing of a tree

May 2000, Graduated 4th grade

• Only man to graduate alongside his son
• Loudest laugh

SKILLS

Skill name.................Skill level

Clapping....................Intermediate

Drinking beer...........Expert

Counting....................Intermediate

Thermochemistry........Expert

Chewing stuff............Intermediate

Yelling........................Expert

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

I am going to be the best thing that ever happened to your company. Hire me and watch your company get better before your eyes. Don't hire me and I will set fire to your desk.

More to come.