I admit it, I am not a big fan of pants. Often, I can be seen deep-walking down the street in nothing more than a tank top. This obviously isn't the case when it is cold outside, as I tend to wear mittens when the temperature drops below 40 degrees farenheight. This isn't new information about me. I have done the pantsless strut ever since I was 13. So why do the cops always want to correct my lifestyle? Why do I get arrested for this once a month and spend a night in jail? Why did I have to go to court last week because it was my 100th offense. To be honest, I thought I had won a prize when he told me that it was my 100th time, but the cop just hit me in the nose with his foot.
So I spent my Tuesday in court this week, trying to explain to the judge that laws should not override habit. I don't think he understood my line of thought, because he kept having the bailiff make me put my pants back on. I had decided to act as my own lawyer, because most of the public lawyers don't like me, and my lawyer friend Marlp "Burger King" Bloob was away on vacation. I quickly realized that not knowing all the other cases that ever happened like the other lawyer hurt my case.
I had a plan for success. When skill and preparation don't work, sympathy always will. I explained in my closing argument that nobody knows what it is like being me, that my life is really hard, and that I am morally opposed to happiness. To my surprise, I was found guilty and was sentenced to more community service. Thinking quickly, I determined that a man who pees his pants could not be found guilty of any crime. Unfortunately, this didn't work on the judge, and I was removed from the court. It would have been silent but my shoes squished with every step, and I stopped twice to fart.
More to come.
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