Oozers

You may be wondering why I have been gone for 2 weeks, why I’m typing with a French accent, and why my nards have been sewn to my dinker. Okay you dragged it out of me.

Last week as I was leaving the all you can eat buffet at “Cousin Heugie’s Chewy Crap,” I saw two neighborhood gangs, ‘The Rapists Murderers’ and ‘The Loiterers’ having a dance-off (think of Rocky IV but with dancing) in the park. Not wanting to miss a chance to demonstrate my mastery of the Barleysworth Tango, I ran between them with my arms held high as I hummed my own theme song (which I am hoping will hit music stores in September so long as the legal issues go through (it is nearly identical to the theme from ‘Honey I shrunk the kids’)). Little did I know that what these kids, who were not a part of any gang as I later learned, were doing wasn’t any sort of dance off. They were boy scouts helping elderly people across a very busy street. I got hit by 3 cars in 2 seconds.

After Doctors found and reattached my nostrils, I took it upon myself to leave the hospital and get my favorite snack – gooey marshmellow and sesame seed pie. Being in a small town, the hospital is only three stories, so falling out of the window halfway down the first set of stairs in the stairwell because I forgot that I couldn’t walk down stairs in a body cast could have turned out much worse for me. I broke a 2 and a half story fall with my lips. I will admit, it was funny seeing a mother and her son’s reaction to the flash of white followed by the loud “OW, DANG-GERS!”

I awoke two days later to find that my good natured neighbor, Gludenschlvor Atchungsonburg, a Japanese immigrant, brought me some dinner but forgot that I am allergic to Asians. I proceeded to erupt in flatulence and vomit for 15 minutes. The only way the nurse could remedy the situation involved two forks and my crotch.

They released me from the hospital this morning and I felt it was my civic duty to march to the nearest computer to post this account of my latest escapades.

More to come.