Swine flu vaccine update: two for two

I am known for many things around these parts. Drop my name to a random stranger, I bet they will not only know me, but they will tell you of some sort of incident that I caused that made them uncomfortable. My unique blend of belly dancing and kite flying catch a lot of eyes in the spring, my moral objection to jump ropes keeps me on the alert for young girls (and them on the alert for 'Old man Skubert'), and my ongoing scientific inquiries keeps me, and my furious letters to the editor, on the pages of the Scientific America magazine.

I recently set my brain to tackling the now global epidemic that has people wearing sugical masks around me more frequently then that month I boycotted deodorant and shirts. That's right, I am talking about the swine flu. I knew that few had the smarts necessary to save the world, but if it was to be done, I was the man for the job. I locked myself in my basement, and when I finally got free I headed to my science lab in the shed. Once there, I set to creating a vaccine.

My first elixer was pretty basic, but you have to start somewhere. It consisted of Pepsi, applesauce, and a stick of butter. As I have made habit in my development of vaccines, I found someone on the street, promised them a foolproof vaccine, and had them ingest my brainchild. The guy I got to test my first elixer was not into the taste, which I thought was pretty great, but I ensured him it was worth his health, so he drank the 2.3 gallon dose.

My second elixer was a little more complicated. If my first was like Richard Dreyfuss, my second was like a young, in your face Walter Matthau. It primarily consisted of the water that comes out of a ketchup bottle before the ketchup does and Nivea aftershave, with smaller amounts of carpet fuzz and the goo that collects on the corners of my mouth after I do my morning arobics routine. This one was pretty potent, so my test subject only needed a small amount, which I injected into his right nipple.

As every experiment needs a control, and I don't want my inventions to be ignored because I forgot to have a control, I had a control. I had a third guy drink a glass of windex.

Well wouldn't you know it, my elixers worked while the control guy got sick as an old opossum. So if you want to safely protect yourself from swine flu, come on by and bring $37, because I don't accept insurance anymore.

More to come.