Manners are dummers

(Editor's note: My name is Ricky Johnson and I am writing this "interview" as it is happening for Mr. Barleysworth. He threatened to steal me if I didn't comply, then he bit me. Out of fear, I agreed to write this)

Skubert Barleysworth: I am here with Mary Livingston, the teacher of the Etiquette classes at the community college.

Mary Livingston: Thanks for having me, Mr. Barleysw-

SB: WAIT YOUR TURN, I WAS TALKING, YAPPY YAPPERSON

ML: I'm sorry...please proceed

SB: Don't try to use your reverse psychology on me, ugly.

(Mr. Barleysworth has paused for a minute, and now started smelling the floor.)

SB: Ugh...Okay, moving on. What is a fork and why do I need one?

ML: Well, a fork is an eating utensil that is used to eat solid or firm foods and prevents one from soiling his hands or clothing.

SB: Right, well what about terlit paper. Do I really need to buy that stuff? Only French people use that stuff.

ML: I don't think you're...are you mistaking toilet paper for a bedet?

SB: 'the hell are you talking about?

ML: Sir, toilet paper isn't a matter of etiquette. It is a matter of hygeine.

SB: Moving on. How would you respond to a dinner guest who insisted on making goobers with your sister under the table during dessert?

ML: Goobers? Do you mean to tell me your guest fornicated with your sister during your dinner party?

SB: Farmlidade? No, he made smibbles with her.

ML: I would politely ask this gentleman to leave and apologize to my guests, I presume.

SB: Did you ever see that movie where the guy's balls got stuck in a milk jug?

ML: No. Sir, this is becoming inappropriate

SB: You're right, how do we make it manners and stuff?

ML: Well, first I would like to discuss the details of-

(Mr. Barleysworth just jumped out of his chair and tackled a passing librarian)

SB: AND STAY DOWN!

ML: Alright, sir, I believe I have to leave.

SB: I hate everything about you....


More to come