Jobs are stupid and so is work

So my friend, Beardy Bearderson (who unfortunately fell face first into a fire a week ago, leaving him completely hairless on his noggin), advised me that I would probably have to sink even lower in social class if I continued trying to live day to day without a job. Ever since Doogers.org shut down, according to Beardy, I haven't made any money, and this is a bad thing. I have 29 children and I need to support at least 6 of them to be able to face myself every morning.

So I went job hunting. I set my sights high at first and applied to an investment firm, but they quickly realize that I was lying and that my knowledge of investments pretty much included the lottery (which I am starting to understand) and betting on my kids in fights I push them into with untamed wildlife. They politely asked me to leave, I politely told them all to go to hell, they politely walked me to the door, I politely farted on some guy's neck, and then I left.

Realizing that I need to find a more fitting job, I set my sights a little lower and applied at the local diner, "Gummer's Ummers," which is run by an old guy named Gummer Footwreak. This place is also a bit elegant beyond old Skubert's liking, but I knew that I had to earn a living for my family. Long story short, don't try to prove your ability to make yourself vomit on command for guests as you serve them their food, even if they deny your ability to do it or beg you not to do it. After I hucked on 6 customers, I was politely fired. Losing my patiences with manners, I contemplated my revenge while dancing a jig I learned one night when I was drunk. I finally decided to hurt Gummer where he would feel it, and kicked the closest customer, Gummer's mummer, in the head.

I also applied to the local speakeasy, "Bar," for a job as a bartender. I like beer. I don't like paying for things. Do I need to explain why I got fired in 14 minutes?

I think the only job that I had into a second day was as a security guard at the mall. I ensured that the malls were safe until I was forced to retire on my third day. Beating people who steal is okay, but beating people for practice until I find somebody stealing is "wrong." Whatever, I am glad that guy looked at me funny, sending me into a fit of 'Barleysworth Rage' which led to an impressive beating, causing my early retirement.

More to come.