Being a man rich in travel and cultural distinctions, I feel justified in pointing out stupid things that unamerican weirdos do. While this may not be the most “politically correct” entry I have ever written, and will “cross a few lines” in its blunt assessment, I “don’t care.”
Australia - Why do they sing through tubes, or didgeridoos? Learn to use a kazoo like the rest of us, Dundee.
- Can anyone tell me what a wallaby is? No.
-Apparently their toilets go the opposite way. This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. Though I am a man of purity and graceful cleanliness, I wouldn’t ever want my pony leg sized turds shooting out of the toilet when I flush. Those things should only go in one direction – down.
Spain - Slow down your words
- You haven’t slowed down yet, fast talker
- Why are you running from bulls instead of eating them with a side of hot dogs and beer? When I was a little boy, I would never let uncle Bungy’s chickens tell me what’s new before I killed them with a monopoly board and prepared them for dinner. Mom always told me not to let your food play with you and that is the way it should be.
Canada - I too like pancakes and syrup. Get on with your life and take the maple leaf off your flag. You don’t see us adorning our flag with a bag of cheetos or spam, so why constantly seek to remind everyone that Aunt Jemima flew through Montreal once?
- Spread out more. If you went to a friend’s house for grilled turtle and all of his neighbors were crowded along his fence, wouldn’t you tell them to explore the rest of their yard? They might respond with something useless like “it’s cold over there,” but that is when you can remind them that fire exists, and set fire to the fence.
Turkey - I know nothing about you except that you named your country after an old bird that looks like my great aunt Gert with her floppy neck skin, and that we eat turkeys huge numbers every year. If you have to name it after a food, why not name it something with a bit more spunk, like “Chinese Food”
North Korea - No complaints, you’re doing great
Mexico - Does anything from your country not make me poop myself uncontrollably? I will answer for you – no
- How did trumpets become a norm for you? Guitars, sombreros, Shakira – I got it – but trumpets?
As there are close to 3.7 million countries in the world, I cannot name them all at this time. I will continue this list at another time, though, as the truth must be heard.
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