Diet plans are for rich people

I don’t need constant reassurance from onlookers to know that I am a man of extremely well maintained physical fitness. My usual attire of Daisy Duke shorts and a tank top that always smells like fried chicken does nothing to hide my masculine physique. How, I know many people ask themselves constantly, can I look like Skubert?

I will tell you.

1.       Don’t pay any attention to what you eat. You think cavemen and other people back then looked up the number of calories of their food? Of course not. They ate what they found or hunted. I too, eat anything I find or hunt, especially when I hunt burger king.

2.       Strut often. By ‘strut,’ I of course mean to deep-step everywhere you go, which builds leg muscle while simultaneously scratching your nether-regions, which, if you’re like me, are usually a bit itchy. This helps if you throw the occasional excitement kick into your stride.

**Be warned about your kick, because I one time kicked a guy on the street for 7 minutes until I realized that I was kicking him, and it took an additional 2 minutes to stop kicking him. I only made that mistake once, after those other times I made that mistake.**

3.       Do a lot of situps each day. You can make this a game by timing your dookies just right so that your sit up also clenches the right muscles to make the final push and your reward will be felt all over.

4.       Chase things. This can be as simple as pursuing a fly or as purpose driven as chasing mailmen, a hobby I picked up from my dog, Ruffer. Mailmen can usually scamper quickly, so your efforts will get in some nice cardio.

5.       Push people. Know what the difference is between bench press and shoving people on the sidewalks? I don’t.

6.       Whistle. Trust me on this one.

7.       Scratch any bodily itches (minus the nether regions. See #2 for that one) with your feet. Flexibility is important and an excuse to bend your legs to scratch your arm or remove food from between your teeth will keep you as limber as a koala. The more you practice this, the more you can do. I clean my ears exclusively with old right pinky toe.

8.       Hold your farts when possible. WHEN POSSIBLE.

9.       Don’t shave or wax body hair. Instead, let the hair rub away naturally by crawling through grass and on the street. A plus to this is that grass smells good and there is sometimes gum on the street or sidewalk.

10.   Dance like you are stuck in a sandbox with crabs. As you advance, dance in a sandbox with crabs.

11.   Frown and grunt often. It takes 3 muscles to smile and 42 to frown, so the choice is clear. Also, grunting works the core. Also, grunting is musical.

While my workout routine is far off the beaten path, it is how I got to where I am today, which is somewhere between Dan Aykroyd and fitness celebrity John McCain.