No, where were you?

I recently got an email from an enraged reader wondering where I have been for the past 19 months. Apparently, the articles I had written in the past have not kept this reader entertained. Perhaps he had forgotten my call to a run across the country like Forrest Gump. I have been trying to run around the US for a while like he did in his movie, The Forrest Gump Movie. After reviewing my last three articles, I realize that I meant to invite my readers to this, but any die-hard fan would have known my plans anyway and would have joined me. To answer the burning question of the moment, I never did make it across the country. Being unable to run more than 2 minutes at a time, I was at a disadvantage. Truth be told, I never made it farther than Cousin Geech's mailbox, which is next door to the Karaoke Whistling Bar. I blame my failure on multiple factors, the first being my need for running shoes. As it stands, I only have the one pair of sneakers, and they aren't as much sneakers as they are an old pair of tap dance shoes from my early days as a street juggler. The second point of failure must have been my tendancy of being distracted by almost anything. Just as I was getting into a good groove in my Barleysworth shuffle, I became fixated on the rotating cup of a gas station convenience store. I watched in a trance for several hours. This brings me to my third point of failure, an arrest for loitering. While my arrest was technically the result of my repeatedly headbutting the policeman that asked me to move along and not for standing there, I know the underlying reason. Calling for backup and having three tasers simultaneously go off in my left nipple was a bit over the line if you ask me. My jail time would not have lasted 19 months had it not been for my repeated escape attempts (I also watched "The Shawshank Redemption" prior to my attempted cross-country run). I almost successfully escaped on my third try, but the guard wouldn't give me his keys. Now that I am back, I intend on providing you, my loyal readers, with the socially and politically charged investigative reporting that won your hearts in the first place. That or I will fill you in on cousin Noser's latest inventions. More to come.