You can coast through life with 3 shirts, one pair of pants, and a change of underwear if you plan on farting a lot

So Wendy-Tina, my annoying wife who gets preggers too much, said something yesterday that annoyed me so much I could only calm down my kicking myself in the face. She told me that Roofer, one of my sons, needed a new set of clothes because his shirt tore too much and his pants don't fit anymore. She was about to go to the store with him to pick out his next set. What angered me is that she thought I cared enough to hear about it.

I will never understand why people go shopping for clothes. On the rare occasion that a new pair of socks is vital to my survival, I shoot down to Merl's Gas and Socks Mart to get a new pair. My secret to ensuring a long life of your socks is to leave them on always, including the weekly shower, and simply put the new pair over top of the old pair once they are too squishy and worn out to make it on their own.

So Wendy-Tina proceeded to spend 12 minutes and $4.67 on clothes. Sweet squirrel vomit, you just bought him clothes back in March. What do we need to be spending all our money on clothes for? The answer - none.

Balloon pranks aren't child abuse.

I was watching the news yesterday and saw a story about that one guy who put his son's insulin on a balloon that he launched or something. To be honest, I was paying more attention to my inner thigh goiter, which I have named Goity. Anywho, the press is all upset about this guy because balloons scare kids or something, and I find myself standing alone to support this guy. If you disagree, prepare to punch yourself in the nads out of shame.

They say he doesn't care about his kids because they were throwing up during the interviews. That is dooey because kids throw up all the time. Just last night one of my daughters, Wisconsin, threw up twice during dinner, which was one of her favorites: horsetooth and spit soup and fly sandwiches. Every one of my kids has horked on Santa's lap (if you count the guy who rings the bell for donations Santa), and 4 of them have hucked at the furniture store.

They say he was just looking for fame. We all are looking for fame. When was the last time you sent nude photographs of yourself to your local newspaper? If you are anything like me, it was a couple of hours ago. Let's not forget that time I tried to set a world record by heatbutting a ram into submission or the time I tried to juggle dead birds at the orphanage. I am seeing people do crazy stuff every day and nobody else is accused of hunting for fame.

They say he was trying to get his own TV show. Nobody complained about comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Johnny Carson, or noted astronomer Carl Sagan when they pursued television glory. Hell, I even had my own show for 3 seasons, Skubert and Bwoogel Analyze Post Romantic Art Set to Vivaldi While Drunk.

They say he had little remorse. If so, may God have mercy on his soul.

They say he misused emergency services and delayed air traffic. This should be chalked up to a rehearsal for those guys, and the pilots of those airplanes should have just used that time to get a couple of beers or something. Seriously, teachers don’t complain when a student pretends to learn something and later reveal that they can’t read and don’t know what seven plus four is when I was in 11^th grade.

Yeah, and... the guy's not a kid hitter